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Take Control News: New Title Suggestions

What?! Does something about this article seem odd, not as you remember, or too good to be true? Check the date it was published!

Our recent Take Control reader survey was amazing – thanks to everyone who provided feedback. Most interesting were some of the suggestions for new titles, which we’re pondering right now.

Take Control of Backdating Stock Options — It’s legal, really it is! This book will explain the ins and outs of backdating stock options so the Securities and Exchange Commission stays off your case, or at least doesn’t notice until you’ve received your golden parachute and fled the country. Real-world advice includes tips on picking a compliant board of directors, blaming your previous CFO, and claiming ignorance without looking stupid.

Take Control of Swearing in Esperanto — Sercu vian kacon per pincilo! Did I just compliment your blouse or call you a piece of merde? You’ll never know. Thanks to “Take Control of Swearing in Esperanto,” you can exercise your innate ability to spew obscenity while not running afoul of violent people who are larger than you. Just like in the classic movie “Breaking Away,” people will assume you were born elsewhere and frequently break into your native tongue. Or that you have Tourette Syndrome (see Appendix A for particular advice on that topic).

Take Control of Quilting Hawaii and Stuffing It Topographically — Remember that fabulous trip to Hawaii? Wouldn’t it be great to take a part of it home with you? Leave that volcanic rock and overpriced Kona coffee behind. Instead, take up needle, thread, and foam, and create this wonderful bedspread that allows you to think of Mauna Loa fondly every time you lay your head down. We plan a series of state books on quilting and stuffing, with Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa due out in a single volume next. The Arizona edition will require modifications to your bed. (Note: Not endorsed by or related to the book, “Let’s Quilt
Hawaii and Stuff It Topographically

Take Control of Controlling Your Intake — Our meal planning book “Take Control of Thanksgiving Dinner” was so critically received that we thought a complementary title was needed. “Take Control of Controlling Your Intake” has sections on all the major diets, their pros and cons, and tips on avoiding eating disorders. Special bonus: Foreword by Michael Pollan along the lines of, “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

Take Control of Finding Naughty Bits in Google — Everyone knows that Google is the dominant search engine on the Web, but that doesn’t mean it always comes up with exactly what you’re looking for. In particular, it can be difficult to find the naughty bits we’re always told are in such strong supply on the Internet, so in this book, we’ll reveal the secrets of geeky teenagers who know all the tricks for making Google show the down and dirty.

Take Control of Getting Babies to Sleep — Written by our in-house parental sleep experts, who have themselves suffered through years of nightly wakeups and the associated damage to cognitive processing and memory, this book will teach you the ancient Chinese secrets guaranteed to send any healthy baby to sleep. Also, booze. Not for the baby, of course; for you: every ebook has a hollowed-out virtual niche into which a flask of bourbon is secreted. It’s a Take Control secret how the alcohol gets out of the ebook and down your gullet. And, of course, there’s some for the baby. (What were we talking about? Ah, yes, that dream I had last night. Let me pull myself together. Splash of water on the face. Okay,
back to it.) A special bonus section will teach you to make a simple inhaler filled with all-natural ingredients found in nature, designed by nature as a soporific that’s guaranteed to help your baby nap for at least 30 minutes when you just need some time for lunch and a shower. No, it’s not booze. Okay, it is, in fact, booze. So use only as misdirected, without your state or country’s child protective services lurking around.

Take Control of Taking Control — Have you ever wanted to be a micro-manager? What about a petty dictator? This book will tell you everything you need to take control at any level, in any situation. Learn to use simple psychological tricks to manipulate people through fear and greed. Later chapters examine the use of force (both subtle and bloody) to achieve your ends. Order this book by clicking on the Buy button on the left side of the screen. No, not that button, lower. Sigh. Here, let ME do it.

Take Control of Letting Go — Are you a control freak? Do you find you try to take control in every situation, even when it’s utterly inappropriate or guaranteed to cause you headaches? This title will teach you the fine art of letting go so you can stop trying to run everyone else’s lives. One section focuses on how to not build your child’s Lego kits for them, and another is called “Stop Installing New Versions of Mac OS X on Your Wife’s Laptop without Her Permission!”

(For a limited time only, you can buy a special bundle containing both “Take Control of Taking Control” and “Take Control of Letting Go.” For just $2 extra, we’ll time-delay delivery of the second title by your choice of 1 week, 1 month, or even 1 year!)

Take Control of Spouse Sharing in Leopard — Apple significantly enhanced Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard’s sharing capabilities, adding screen sharing and making file sharing easier to use. But what most people haven’t yet discovered is that Leopard also contains utilities for simplifying spouse sharing. Seriously, dude, everyone’s doing it, and you just need to select the Sharing preference pane, scroll down the list of Services, and check the Spouse box. Looking for ways of swapping spouses with your colleagues but too embarrassed to raise the topic in conversation? Leopard’s new Bonjour-based spouse sharing utility helps you broach the subject, arrange assignations, and can even search a regularly updated database
of divorce lawyers in your area. Bonus! Includes a discount coupon off these excellent male ego enhancement placebos!

Fake Control of Apple, Inc., by Fake Steve Jobs — Did you found (okay, co-found) a legendary technology company that’s hit hard times? Are you languishing in a forgotten startup with awesome technology but no publicity? Are you primed to save the world, and you see no better way to do it than by retaking the helm at a personal computer maker with a dwindling cult following? This book reveals the fake secrets you’ll need, including how to get your company acquired while actually taking over the acquiring company, throwing the press off track by saying exactly the opposite of what you’re going to do a year later, inventing the iPod, and a great section on Top 10 Zen Presentation Tips (“Boom!” is your

Take Control of Ordering a Drink at Starbucks — Are you confounded by all the choices at your local Starbucks? Are you unsure which of the three Starbucks near your house you should patronize? This book, written by a Seattle native with advice from the famous Starbucks expert Winter, covers all your options and helps you make the right decision. By the end of this book you will be able to say, “One tall extra hot, four-pump, nonfat, no-water chai with whip” without missing a beat or giggling hysterically.

Take Control of Chaos — Learn to catch butterflies in Asia before they become tornados in the Americas. Build your own tipping points with simple tools and household materials. If you and your initial conditions have ever been codependent, if you have ever fallen under the spell of a strange attractor, or if you have ever wanted to learn how to bake fractal mandelbrot (excellent with coffee!), this non-linear dynamic book will shift your paradigms and renormalize your life.

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